On the slipping state of the world & not wanting children
Vaping, polar bears & how remaining childfree is a form of stress management
“I think vapes seem more evil than cigarettes,” I say to my mother on the phone. “Why’s that?” She asks.
“I think it’s how they’re marketed. Rainbow colours, candy flavours, sickly sweet clouds of chemicals made to appeal to teenagers. Cigarettes look dirty. Trails of ash, the acrid smell that clings to clothing, pictures of rotting lungs or teeth on packets that warn you of an untimely death. But vapes are intended to look fun. Little handheld devices for inhaling toxic substances into your unfortunate lungs. At least cigarettes don’t hide behind a facade.”
It’s 10am on a weekday and we are having our regular catch-up where we discuss the many wrongs of the worlds. These chats vary in topic; it could be vaping, it could be people who don’t move to single file on a narrow path, it could be Trump. Depending on how outraged I feel, it could be all three.
The truth is, I don’t really like the world we live in. Gone are the days where I believed that handing out leaflets to your neighbours about whaling in Japan would create change (I was 11 years old and understandably expected something to be done about it). Buckle up, because here’s where it gets depressing. It sounds horrible to say it, to write it, to feel it become official. I’ve given up on humanity.
It sounds drastic and you'll likely think I have a tragic outlook on things, which perhaps I do - but hear me out. I have no doubt that climate change will only get worse, that more animals will become extinct, that political turmoil will continue to build. The news gets me down. People get me down. When the US overturned Roe v. Wade, it felt like a huge step backwards. It reminded me that we are not progressing. When Trump was allowed to run for president again instead of being put behind bars, it served as another reminder.
It’s unfair to perhaps focus my anger mostly on America here, up until our recent UK election I felt equally disheartened by the pathetic mess of Eton-grown boys seemingly on a mission to destroy the country. And of course, the list of worldwide corruption is infinite, and it certainly doesn’t stop at the few examples I’ve listed.
I’ve come to learn that I might be a very old-fashioned 25 year-old. I’m afraid of AI and haven’t ever used ChatGPT because I can’t shake the idea that it would feel like cheating. I’m afraid for what it means for creativity, and for real talent. I’m afraid that it lends itself to laziness, a loophole for those who don’t care enough to create their own content. I’m afraid of what it can do for false information.
I used to believe I was a people-person, but now realise I’ve never been more introverted. I have a close circle, people who mean a great deal to me and I could spend all my time with, but outside of that I want very little to do with people. Sometimes I wonder how I spent 24 years in London, surrounded by people.
In case you haven’t grasped by now, my overview of the world shifts towards negative. And that’s not to say that I hate my life, because I don’t - far from it. I appreciate so many things, some small, some big. I enjoy my morning coffee, I’m passionate about my job, I love my partner and my family. I love my bubble - but I also want to stay firmly put inside of it.
Coming to the realisation that the world isn’t a very nice place was the major deciding factor for not wanting children. I don’t want to raise a child in this landscape, to help them navigate the online world of social media, deal with the stress of protecting them from the evils in the world. It’s not the only reason of course, I have others. There are financial ones to be considered as well. And I hate teenagers. I’m sure there would be great moments with kids, but the cons outweigh the pros for me here. Also, I simply don’t want kids. I’m sure I’ll be much happier with dogs.
It is not of course all doom and gloom, so I’m sorry if this came across like that. I’m grateful to be alive and happy in my bubble, but I feel sad and helpless when I look at what goes on outside of it. I feel like I focus more on what I can control now, because stressing about what Putin is doing isn’t overly productive.
Here are some positive things I’m enjoying at the moment:
Regular trips to the book shop. I’m doing a lot of reading at the moment, and I’m loving that. I just finished Have you seen Charlotte Salter? by Nicci French and thought it was really good.
Training is slowly getting back to normal - I’m recovering from a suspected stress fracture in my wrist and it’s been a slow journey to get back to doing everything again.
Lots of travel planned, although mostly for CrossFit - looking forward to doing some fitness abroad!
Dog reels on Instagram and positive news sources (@goodnews_movement) that help to restore faith in humanity when you write (or read) a Substack like this.
Despite a few health hiccups in the last month or so, I feel like I’m managing my stress much better and that’s a good feeling.
Thanks for reading (& I hope I didn’t get you down!)
Loz x