Love & loss
Hi, All!
Welcome to the 2nd edition of my Substack, and thank you for sticking with me. I’m going to be talking primarily about loss today, so please ignore if this will be upsetting for you.
Grandpa
I recently lost my Grandpa, and although I didn’t see as much of him in recent years, he was a big part of my life growing up. Both my parents worked full-time and we were so lucky to have my maternal grandparents living a 45-minute drive away as it meant they would come and stay in the spare room for 2 nights every week to help out.
I write this on the day that I was meant to travel to Surrey, to attend my Grandpa’s funeral tomorrow. Unfortunately Storms Elin and Fergus have made sure that all trains running from Worcester have been cancelled, so I will now not be able to make the funeral. I rang my Grandma to apologise, she was very understanding, and we spoke for a while about my Grandpa.
One of the things I like to remember about him is that he was very patient when he helped me with my maths homework (he was a maths teacher and I was a student once told by a teacher that I would never be a mathematician, which was not quite the devastating blow one might expect given that I had no interest in pursuing maths past the mandatory point).
I also had a fear of swallowing pills as a child and my Grandpa devised some (fairly awful) ways of trying to help me ingest fish oil capsules. One of these ways involved sticking an empty kitchen roll tube through the parasol hole of a table, whilst I sat below it with my mouth agape. He would drop the pill down the tube and it would, naturally, bounce off my chin or be spat back out.
His second strategy was a betrayal of the worst kind, whereby my holiday croissant was used as a secret vessel. Unsurprisingly, I did notice when my disheveled croissant tasted distinctively of fish oil, but I give him credit for being creative with his methods.
I’m glad my Grandpa went peacefully and very grateful to have these memories of him.
Matthew Perry
I recently began reading Matthew Perry’s memoir and it is a heartbreaking read. I know he made it very clear that he didn’t want to be remembered for his role on Friends, but rather the role he played in helping others struggling with addiction. However, it is impossible to think of Matthew Perry without also coming to Friends, because in reality it is Chandler Bing whom the wider population is mourning. We didn’t know Matthew Perry, but we did know Chandler Bing and the joy that he brought to our screens.
From what I’ve read so far, there are striking similarities between the personalities of fictional Chandler and the very real Matthew, acknowledged both by Matthew in his book and also by Marta Kauffman who was struggling to find the right fit for Chandler until Perry walked in - “he came in, and that was it.” You’ll have to read his memoir to see these similarities for yourself, but it’s easy to understand why he was a perfect fit for Chandler.
Friends is my favourite TV show. Whilst parts of it wouldn’t be considered to be politically correct in this day and age, it is a show that has been of great importance to me. As a fairly anxious person, I have a tendency to stick to what I know. As a result, I have been watching Friends since I was about 18. It’s my background noise, the safety show I switch to when another show makes me feel nervous, in the same way that Joey puts his copy of The Shining in the freezer when it gets too scary.
It’s the show I put on when I’m sad, or stressed, or need cheering up. It feels like they’re my group of friends, probably something millions of other people relate to and a contributing factor for its success. I know which sentence comes next and exactly where the emphasis is said in a sentence (“could she be any more out of my league”).
And Chandler Bing has always been my favourite character. His quick wit, sarcastic comebacks and self-deprecating jokes made him instantly loveable and equally hilarious.
Matthew Perry details his ongoing addiction throughout his memoir. Addiction is something I’ve been a first-hand witness to. I’ve seen what it does to people and to the people they love. It’s a behaviour that I’m extremely familiar with but no closer to knowing how to navigate, at least as a helpless bystander.
I’ve had my trust broken and experienced a different kind of pain from this side of the fence, but never experienced the devastating effects of the disease as a victim. Matthew Perry’s writing does an excellent job of describing his struggle and, whilst it’s difficult to read about, it’s worth reading about.
I’m so glad that Matthew Perry played Chandler Bing and that he made the character into who we came to see him as. I’m glad he’s found peace and I hope his legacy is continued to be remembered through the Matthew Perry Foundation.
Thanks for reading!
Loz x